CHAPTER 9: RELENTLESS

 

Friendship has really been something that has eluded me for all my life. I haven’t really been able to grasp the idea of what a true friendship is. I’ve had people come into my life and haven’t really cared to give anyone the importance that is needed to begin having a friendship. I guess I would take that as one of my biggest mistakes as well because some people deserve it. Some people deserve the importance in your life.

I say this now because I know how it feels to be there. Alone.

The phone had stopped vibrating for a while now. I was still trying to get back into my senses. The impact of the knot was extant around my neck. The window curtains were closed but a sliver of light creeped in through the top of the curtain. My hand was in pain as well but it didn’t compare to my throat, which felt crushed. I spat on the carpet. I wasn’t bleeding.

I leaned against the bed for a moment. I think I cried. Its never a good thing to accept that you cried. But I think I did. I didn’t feel anything at all. I had no reason to cry, to be honest. Slowly I gathered the strength to get up. The skipping rope lay right there. I tried not looking at it.

Now, the way to my table from where I stood normally takes me about two seconds. But today, those two seconds felt like an eternity. I heard somewhere that time only flows in one direction and that’s forward. People agree on that for so many reasons but I’ve never come to corroborate with that ideology. I feel that time can move in any direction, your mind can be at any time you want it to be. Take best friends for example. Like I told you earlier, people, they tend to separate from each other due to life, jobs, families and all sorts of reasons but the people, the ones that deserve and want to be in your life, no matter how many years it has been or no matter how far away you are, always remember you, always care for you. For them they are still in time where you people were together.

And so, my mind could not perceive these two seconds as a small amount of time. I probably thought my whole life through in those two seconds. People say you see your whole life flash before your eyes, before you die. But here I was, alive. Do all suicide survivors think the way I do or is it just me? I didn’t want to think this way of course. To be honest I didn’t really want to think at all.

I grabbed the phone and once again fell on the floor. My legs were shaking. I lay flat on the floor, my face slammed onto the ground. I could barely move. I dragged the phone in my hand and gently pushed my thumb against the power button. The phone first started at full brightness but as I squinted my eyes, it readjusted itself to a slight dim, calm self. The date today was July 28, 2021.

 

Below, was a missed call from my best friend from school. Well I guess for me he’s my best friend. I have to be honest; it had been about 5 months since we had spoken, at least properly. It had been 5 months since my grand father had died. Five months had gone by and I was stuck back at the time when he had just died, nothing had really moved ahead for me. I was stuck and I hadn’t noticed it until now. Until that knot had slipped off my neck. But the moment my head hit the floor I somehow snapped back.

Its funny to think, at the end, my life was only worth that missed call from my best friend. It’s not like I have ever really put a higher value on life, but this was the ultimate low, even for me.

“What’s the point?”

There was a message in Facebook as well. I couldn’t see what it was. A few weeks ago, apparently, I had made some setting so that chat heads don’t appear.

This could be part of my story where one of the emotional songs come up and I can relate to it, but I am going to be honest I don’t relate to anything at the moment. I got up and sat on my bed.

I chatted with my friend on messenger crying all the while. I really have no exact reason for crying except may be the fact that I will be killing myself or trying to kill myself again. I really had nothing else in my mind. It was blank.

“What’s the point?”

I grabbed the rope once again, this time I made sure the knot on the window was tight. I couldn’t use the ceiling because there is no support on the ceiling like a fan or something. I tied the rope around my neck. No more second chances.

“You know, you could slit your wrist. Right?”

Once again Jeffry stood right before me. He was biting on a Hershey’s. The one with almonds in them.

“What’s the point?”

“So that’s the reason you want to kill yourself? Cause there is no point?”

The rope was no longer around my neck nor was it around the window. I wasn’t even in my room. Around me was the open sky. I stood on the roof of my house; on top of those steel pedestals, you have, for the water tanks.   

“There is no point to anything in this world, its all a nonsensical mess. You think the sun goes around the earth for some magical mystical reason every year?”

“it’s the earth”

“Excuse me?”

“The earth… goes around the sun”

“Alright there, genius, you might as well kill yourself if you are going to interrupt my speech”

“Aren’t you here to cheer me up or like stop me from dying or something?”

“I can’t do that A. Only you can do that. I’m here because I have nowhere else to be.”

We both paused to look at the sky. It was clear but it growled, perhaps it rained somewhere.

Jeffry continued again. “I’m here because at the end of the day you and I, we are the same person. So, I want to kill myself as much as you want to. Same goes for all of those other guys you were arguing with for the last five months. But there is one difference between me and them, I want to live too, not for me but for my parents.”

The clouds growled again. A soft rumble of their clash beyond the mountains.

“For our parents! For that one friend and for a future of endless possibilities. That means that you want to live A. Because you are as much me, as I am you.”

Suddenly it began to rain but just as the rain drops hit me. I wasn’t there anymore. I was standing ready to cross a street. I remember this place.  

“I’m here to help you A. I’m here to help me”

Jeffry stood across the road.

Three Buses raced past us. It seemed as if they were racing each other. The few passengers inside were holding their breath wishing to God they didn’t die.

I remember that feeling.

“I need you to come with me” Jeffry said. He reached out his hand.

“I’m not gonna hold your hand” I said as I walked towards him.

“What?” He screamed from the other end. As I took one step on to the road another bus wheezed past me and I took a step back.

“I said I’m not holding your hand” I replied and took one step forward again. The buses now started avoiding me. The road felt a bit smaller and less crowded.

“Why?”

Another step. Jeffery was now only a few paces away.

“I don’t know? cause it’s kinda gay?”

“Hey don’t blame me! You’re the one writing the story!” He took back his hand. I stepped next to him. Behind me the road became normal again. Wide, busy and scary.