CHAPTER 3

 

That day was weird indeed, but it slipped off my mind like butter slips off roasted pieces of meat. I’m not much of a chef so I don’t know if that statement holds, but you guys get what I mean. I forgot about that day.

 I had left a message to my G about 2 days ago, saying how we should meet cause there could be another big lockdown soon and shit like that. I was casual like we never even fought, cause that’s my thing, I guess. Ignoring the big fat elephant in the room, because I don’t like body shaming.

I was waiting for a reply to the message till yesterday, right before I had to go bald. My grandfather had passed away, and there is this weird custom of going bald when someone passes away. So, I had waited for a reply until that very moment but as soon as the last hair was off, the feeling in me wanting to meet her was gone. I look like a little chimpanzee when I go bald so I don’t really want to meet her when I look like this.

But two days had gone since then and I still didn’t get a reply back to my message. It didn’t come as a surprise. She has a massive ego. I’m not much of an astrology guy myself but that’s what Leos are like apparently. I turn around as I hop onto my bed. Grab my phone. It glitched as I unlocked it.

“Still nothing eh bruv?” came a voice again, as I turned around to see that there once again seated on my chair was another, not so bald me.

“Wait! Before you go off and blackout gobsmacked on me like a daft cunt, just hold on” He spoke hastily with the roughest and most imperfect Irish/British accent. The kind that you learn from peaky blinders or some shit.  I blinked.

“Mamuuuu” I shouted.

“Trust me that ain’t gonna work”

My mom rushed into my room like a boar and slammed open the door.

“What!” She stammered. I pointed towards the hairy, British accented shorter version of me sitting waving at the chair.

“What?” She asked again, looking at me her head halfway through the door like a robber scouting the area.

“Never mind,” said the other version of me and my mom walked away mumbling under her breath. I sat there shocked.

“Aight, so many questions ain't I right?!” he started as soon as mom had left.

I shook my head.

“I know, so let’s quit the faffing around and get right to it then” he jumped off the chair and next to me in bed. He pulled up the blanket to his right and covered us both up.

I shrugged it off.

“I know your cold bruv,” he said again and covered me up.

We remained quiet for a while. I was trying to comprehend what was happening and he was, well I don't know what he was doing, he just sat there.

“So aren’t you gonna ask me something?”

“…”

“Well??”

“I mean if you are me don’t you already know what I want to ask you??”

“Well, I do, but that wouldn’t be proper fun, would it?”

I sighed. I couldn’t believe I was talking to myself. Another deep breath and I hoped he would vanish but he didn’t.

“So...”

He looked at me patiently.

“You’re me, right?”

“Do you really want me to answer that?”

“Ok I guess I don’t”

He tweaked his eyebrows in agreement.

“Umm. Why the British accent then?”

“Piss off eh Luv, this is just how I speak”

“No. because I speak normally, I don’t have an accent and... you are me so”

“Braveheart, peaky blinders, sherlock... should I go on about the shows you’ve been packing your... our head week for the past five years. One of us was bound to be British”

“Wait one of us... you mean there are more?”

He completely dodged the question and started blabbering about the countless number of British shows that I had watched over the years.

“Black mirror, the office UK, Fleabag” He paused. “That was a good show, let's see, the crown, game of thrones afterlife...”

He went on for a minute or two paused and went again for another minute.

“You sure do talk a lot,” I said. I was irritated frankly.

“No, we talk a lot” he replied cunningly.

My phone rang for a second with a vibration. A message. I quickly grabbed the phone.

“It’s not her” came a voice before I could even read the message, NTC 1415 gleamed on the screen. Beside me the other me was already on his phone, it was a google pixel 5 and he was reading the NTC message.

“Wait, how do you have a google pixel 5? And what the hell are you talking about? she’ll text back!”

“Oh, this thing?” he said, placing it back in his pocket. “I just do”

He paused again. “And… umm sure buddy”

“What do you mean”

“Nothing”